Elegem van


I’m a little bit tired of the current situation. I’ve had enough of the coronavirus and terror that surrounds it at every corner. I’ve had enough of conspiracy theories, the vaccine propaganda, but mostly of the fact that I don’t know who or what to believe. I don’t trust the world around me. I know that everything I see on the internet or on the television is out there to deceive and manipulate me one way or another. They convince me to buy or do something, so subtly that I might not even realise it.

I’ve had enough of the fact that we cannot trust anything, not even our own eyes and we constantly have to question everything. It’s exhausting. 

It’s sad that we live in a world where we are forced to distance ourselves from others because there is no way we can trust them.

In the old days, people used to not lock their doors. Nowadays we would put ten locks on our doors just to make sure we can keep out our fellow humans. This type of distrust leads to isolation but this is the only way we know how to protect ourselves. We build walls and we don’t let anyone (or only a ‘lucky’ few) to step over that wall and enter our private bubbles. The only thing we don’t seem to realize is that this is precisely what consumes and withers us from the inside out. I know it’s a cliche, but we are social beings. We don’t even think about it anymore, but we are. We need each other. And I can’t not take into account the effects of this virus on this very basic human need we have.

A few days ago I watched a video on Youtube about loneliness. It says loneliness is a kind of social disease or disorder. They claim it contributes to the development of diseases such as cancer.

It is getting harder and harder for us to develop healthy relationships with other people. We choose every word carefully because we are afraid of being judged or being talked about behind our backs. And if that’s not enough, the media is constantly bombarding us with all the “mainstream” principles that we should be following because if we don’t, we are sociopathic sh*ts. Meanwhile, we should be tolerant as well.

I think tolerance means accepting the fact that others might not think the same way you do. As long as they live and let live, why should you try to change anybody’s mind about anything?

But it doesn’t matter. 

I started by saying that I’ve had enough. I wonder if things were the same back in the old days… Did people have to watch what they were saying so closely even then? Maybe even more. My grandmother was careful with the words and with her feelings as well. She guarded them as if they were some sort of treasure they could take from her at any minute. She showed herself to be strong but on the inside I’m sure there were tornadoes raging. She rigidly stuck to her routines, to the known and comfortable. Maybe this contributed to her having such terrible pains towards the end of her life. There’s only so long we can close our pain and frustration deep inside of us. There’s only so much our bodies can take without slowly but surely allowing the wild emotions to explode like a volcano.

A while ago I had an appointment with a homeopathic doctor to help with some of my gynecological issues. She asked me a crap load of questions and the whole thing lasted for almost two hours. She didn’t really explain why she was asking me those particular questions and I honestly didn’t feel like pushing her to provide me with the explanations. If I did I might still be there, talking to her instead of writing these thoughts.

I did try, however, to find some explanations to her questions after the fact. Some of them I figured out on my own and some I Googled. Her treatment plan surprised me the most. She gave me some sort of granules that are usually prescribed for women who can’t express their powerful, raging emotions. This made me think. Up until this point, I was convinced that I was good at crying and giving the emotions a free flow. Well, after staying with this idea and ruminating a little bit it turned out I was wrong.

A couple of years ago one of my dearest friends told me that it hurts her feelings that I don’t seem to be happy when she (or others for that matter) give me presents. I told her then that I am happy, it’s just that I don’t really know how to show it. I understand why this would bother someone since I also am the happiest when I can surprise someone with a thoughtful gift.

So, this wasn’t new information. What I didn’t know about myself though, is that this might be true to the way I deal with negative emotions as well (although, I am a little bit better with those, to be honest). I can live and feel pain a lot more intensely than happiness. But getting it out of my system, apparently, is not something I do well enough. This should have been obvious to me when my dear husband put our huge, pretzel-shaped pillow in front of me and told me to hit it as hard as I can. I admit, I felt ashamed to even start. I mean, what kind of person goes crazy and loses their s*it hitting an inanimate object?! But I started doing it anyway. I kicked it too. I have a lot of anger inside of me. The whole thing didn’t last more than a few minutes but it wasn’t a bad start.

Turns out I’m also kind of rigid. I learned it or I inherited it, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anyway. There’s only so long you can blame your parents and your education for your problems. There comes a time when you have to realize that whatever it is you are carrying with you, you have the power to change. Yourself. Because you can’t change the virus, for example. That is going to stick around a bit longer. The only question is, how much longer can we take it? Is it also like our education? I mean, we have the package (or baggage) but we can still choose our attitudes toward it. But choosing the right one is extremely hard for me at the moment… How about you?

You can watch the video I mentioned here.

As always, thanks for reading! 💙

And if you would like read more of my thoughts, look around on my Blog!

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